(Boss Ch. 1) 2012 Boss 302

In 2005, Ford released the current (fifth generation) Mustang body style, designated the S197. Under leadership of Global Vice President of Design for Ford, J Mays (who designed the Audi 100 and Audi Avus, among other things), the new Mustang was a retro-futurist redesign that drew from the 1968 Mustang fastback, which was perhaps the best looking Mustang of all time. It was beautiful. In 2007, Ford released the Shelby GT500 and it looked even better.

I showed Mrs. Pribble the photos and she agreed that it was hot. She likes muscle cars even more than I do, so we kept an open mind. But, the Shelby was very expensive and though its massive engine was good for blackout-levels of straight-line acceleration, reports from the road courses (where I like to drive), were that the car was unbalanced and it would just pirouette around the heavy engine. In 2008, Ford released the Mustang Bullitt. Ford was closer than ever to my ideal Mustang. The Bullitt forewent the supercharged engine of the Shelby, starting instead with a standard Mustang GT and revising everything slightly in the right direction. The Bullitt was a factory-tuned Mustang with more power, a better suspension, and the looks of Steve McQueen’s Dark Highland Green GT-390 fastback, from the eponymous movie. It was an amazing package and a peek into my computer’s photo archive gives away my interest in the car (it gives away my interest in Zooey Deschanel, too, but that’s another story).

But wait, was I really in the market for a Mustang? Aren’t I an Audi man? Time for a quick history lesson. The early part of my driving life was done almost exclusively in American cars with V8 engines. I learned how to drive in mom’s Pontiac Catalina wagon and dad’s Pontiac Grand Prix, which had a huge 400 CID engine. The first car I ever crashed was a V8 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, which belonged to a friend’s mom. The first vehicle that I ever owned was a V8 Ford F100 and before I was out of high school, I had traded-up to a V8 Chevrolet Camaro. My first experience in a Mustang…my first driving experience in a Mustang, was in a maroon 1967 with a 289 CD engine, that belonged to a high school girlfriend. I loved that car. It looked beautiful, it felt powerful, and it made a great noise. It was impossibly cool. Unfortunately, it couldn’t handle its way out of a paper bag and I crashed that car, too. I drove an enormous V8 Cadillac to prom.

For the next 26 years, I would drive mostly import cars. Only twice did I go back to an American car and both times, it was for a Mustang. I had a 1966, but it had an inline six cylinder engine and basically, wasn’t very special. It was also falling apart and I couldn’t afford to fix it up. So, I traded it for a TV. I also had a 1985 Mustang GT 5.0. Now that was a really good car. Unfortunately, it suffered a bad engine fire and I couldn’t afford to fix it up. So, I sold it. Even though both of my Mustangs left my care prematurely and under dubious conditions, I maintain that these cars are my legitimate bona fides as a genuine Mustang fan.

Still, that last Mustang was a very long time ago. Since then, I have run a nationally recognized Audi website, been the president of a local Audi club, built a dedicated Audi track car, and written for the Examiner.com as their Austin Audi Examiner. I have driven halfway across the country to buy an Audi. I still race an Audi and of course, my daily driver is an Audi. Any statisticians out there see a trend?

Many years ago, when I first showed my Audi S4 to my friend, Charles Braden, I asked him what he thought about it. He turned to me and said only, “Teutonic.” He was right. My car is very German. It’s solid, sober, even serious. There is nothing flash about it. It just goes about its business quickly and efficiently. It is capable on the street, out on the open road, and even on the track. It’s not fun on the track, mind you, just capable. It might not be the best at any given thing, but it is good at everything. It is a car for a man in a suit. It is a car for a grown-up.

However, it is seventeen years-old and Mrs. Pribble and I felt like it was getting time to look for a new daily driver. Naturally, I started thinking about a newer Audi. But for the first time in a long time, I also started thinking about the joys of driving a V8. Now, all of my Audis have been turbocharged, but as it happens, Audi makes a very good V8. I began to consider a V8 S4, or even better, an S5. I love the S5. It is elegant and beautiful, inside and out. It has the latest in automotive electronics. And it is powered by a high-tech V8. It’s fast, luxurious, and capable. It is good at everything. It is a car for a man in a suit. It is a car for a grown-up. Perfect.

And then, in August of 2010, Ford held a press conference at Mazda raceway Laguna Seca and they brought this:

What new devilry was this? What was this harlet brazenly bringing my blood to a boil? And if my blood was boiling so, then why was I shivering when I looked upon it? What was happening to me? Ford talked about the 5.0 liter, 444 hp engine, which they had code-named Coyote. They said the engine would rev to 7500 rpm. They said the suspension had been developed so that this car could beat a BMW M3 at Laguna Seca. They wouldn’t release the car until it could do that. It can. They said that the car had to be good enough to deserve the legendary name Boss 302, which had only been given to Mustangs specifically built for road racing in 1969-1970. In 1970, Parnelli Jones won a championship with one. Nothing has been called a Boss since. Until now. Ford says the new Boss 302 is the best Mustang they have ever made.

Lust makes men do funny things. How could I want this? Just look at her, this kid with her shock of hair dyed white and her tattoos. Listen to her loud voice. She is even bipolar! The Boss comes with two keys – a black one and a red one. When you start her with the black one, she is calm enough to be driven to work. When you put the red one in, she becomes a wild child. She becomes a little hard to handle. She does bad things.

How could I be seen with her? I’m middle-aged. I’m a grown-up. I drive German luxury sedans that are serious. Heads of State are driven in Audis. But this curvy punk-rock girl doesn’t care about being serious. She is promising other things. She is promising to be wicked and fun. She is promising to go faster and faster. She is promising to wake the neighbors. I loosen my tie. Maybe I am not as grown-up as I thought. What will people say when we drive by? I have decided that I don’t care. I just know that I must have her.

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